Tears of Memory
by Take
Summary: shonen ai, death, gore. How does one go on after the death of a lover? C&C's welcomed.


*Standard disclaimers*  
  
**Yaoi, death, angst**  
  
Tears of Memory: Endless Rain  
  
Take (February 1999)  
  
--translation courtesy of Cricket  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I'm walking in the rain  
  
Though everything seems to be hurting me for some reason  
  
There is only nothing  
  
Just kill me now, as I roam…forever…  
  
Until I can forget your love  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Kurama stumbled through the rain, ignoring the curious glances he drew, a brilliant splash of scarlet against a gray, dreary setting. Unaffected by the weight of so many stares, the slender kitsune stopped to brace himself against a wall. He was shivering violently, but he felt nothing; he was numb; body, mind, and soul.  
  
The youko slumped against the wall, slowly sliding down into a small bundle. He let his head fall back, rainwater dripping from his bangs onto his tightly-shut eyes, grateful for the chill permeating him to the bone. It was a fitting anesthetic for the horrible, aching void that filled him. He felt strangely detached, vaguely aware of his actions as he coldly observed that he was once again moving toward his house. It was home no longer; the one who had made it such was gone now; dead on a mission gone awry.  
  
  
  
Kurama entered his house, truly dark and quiet, now that *he* was gone. The silence was oppressing, bearing down on him, penetrating his skull. Kurama dropped to his knees in the genkan, his hands raised in a futile effort to block out the utter stillness, fingers clenching spasmodically in blood red hair.  
  
"Iyada," he whispered. Blood…*don't think about that! * "Wasurete kure…"  
  
~~~~~~  
  
To me, sleep is a perplexing narcotic that only quiets the beating heart  
  
All my love seems…  
  
…To flow from my body like a heartfelt memory  
  
I keep my love for you to myself  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Kurama finally summoned the willpower to move, dragging himself into his bedroom; *theirs* no longer. He stripped, not caring that his clothes were creating a puddle on the floor. The kitsune collapsed onto the bed, curling up into a tiny ball of misery. Shutting his eyes, he willed himself into the oblivion of sleep. Maybe, just maybe, it would allow him to forget, if only for a little while.  
  
The redhead felt a tear escape as he recalled Yuusuke and Kuwabara's sympathetic words, as he held *his* body…his cold, LIFELESS - *don't think about it! * - body in his arms. "I'm sorry. I know how close the two of you were."  
  
A bitter parody of a laugh escaped him, twisted and mocking. *Oh Yuusuke, you and Kuwabara have no IDEA how 'close' we were. And it looks like you'll never have to find out. *  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Endless rain  
  
Fall on my heart, this wounded heart  
  
Let me forget all of the hate, all of the sadness  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Forcing himself to relax, Kurama finally fell asleep, the endless patter of raindrops on the roof a small comfort for his wounded heart. His last waking thought was a wish that the rain could wash away the heartache and sadness as easily as it did the leaves in the gutter.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
"Days of joy, days of sadness slowly pass me by  
  
As I try to hold you, you are vanishing before me  
  
You're just an illusion  
  
When I'm awaken, my tears have dried in the sand of sleep  
  
I'm a rose blooming in the desert."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
In his dreams, Kurama crouched, sobbing over his lover's form. Lifting his face, the dreamscape before him began to solidify. As he watched, the youko became aware that the figure in his arms was growing lighter. Horrified, he clutched helplessly at thin air as Hiei's broken and bleeding corpse vanished.  
  
"Iya!" Overcome by a wave of grief, Kurama huddled in on himself, rocking back and forth as he stared with blank, unseeing eyes at the changing scenarios before him. His first meeting with Hiei. The fire demon expressing his concern at Kurama's injuries against his various opponents; Genbu…Rodo…Gama…Touya…*Karasu*…the list went on and on, interspersed with moments of comfort and friendship; Hiei trying to console the youko at 'Kuronue's' death. Kurama swallowed convulsively, watching memories of loving, quiet moments go by; walks in the park, nights in his room, evenings in the Makai. Their first kiss.  
  
The youko tensed, knowing what was coming next, unable to tear his eyes away from the vision slowly unfolding, even as his mind screamed in denial.  
  
Blood…there was so much blood everywhere. Not the bright red that signified life, but a dulling rust shade, a sharp metallic tang detectable in the air. Hiei's slender, well-muscled form flying through the air, landing with a 'thud'. Wide crimson eyes sightless, the internal fire extinguished forever.  
  
Kurama cringed as he watched himself crawl over to his lover's form, his face frozen in shock. His dream-self touched a shaking hand to the huge, gaping hole in what used to be the fire demon's chest, his fingers coming back slick with blood and bits of flesh. The dazed youko brought his bloodied fingers to his lips, smearing blood on his face.  
  
Kurama watched with a sick fascination. His blood had been bitter, the youko recalled. There had been some moist bubbling noises as air escaped from torn lungs, too. Like as soul escaping its body. Kurama began to laugh, a slightly hysterical edge to it.  
  
It was that sound that jolted him awake, even as he continued to laugh, tears streaming freely down his cheeks, soaking thei-*his* pillow. Oh Inari, how was he going to survive without Hiei?  
  
~~~~~~  
  
It's a dream, I'm in love with you  
  
Hold me warmly in your arms  
  
Endless rain Fall on my heart, this wounded heart  
  
Let me forget all of the hate, all of the sadness  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The rain was still coming down as Kurama huddled at the top of his bed, too big and cold now. He clutched at a pillow like a lifeline, remembering how Hiei had once held him in a similar fashion. "Dekinai," he whispered, "dekinai."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
I awake from my dream  
  
I can't find my way without you  
  
~~~~~~  
  
He…existed. He attended classes, visited his mother, friends, played the part of perfection to the hilt. His eyes never smiled again.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
The dream is over  
  
I can no longer hear the voice of your gentle words  
  
Floating off the dreary stained walls  
  
So on the morning of my memories, I'll move to my dreams  
  
Until I can forget your love  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Dull green eyes took in the room he had once shared with another, lingering on the few keepsakes he had from their brief time together. He felt his breath hitch. Why couldn't he remember the sound of his voice? Why not that, when he could recall…other…things in the blink of an eye?  
  
Maybe he hadn't loved him enough; maybe that was why he could only remember the good times in his deepest dreams. Slowly, he was beginning to forget. And it terrified him.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Endless rain fall on my heart, this wounded heart  
  
Let me forget all of the hate, all of the sadness  
  
~~~~~~  
  
He had once wished to forget. Now, he found himself greedily clasping what memories he could find to himself, the good and the bad. He had allowed the most important thing in his life to slip through his fingers. Never again.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Endless rain  
  
Let me stay a memory in your heart  
  
Let my heart take in your tears  
  
Take in your memories  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Kurama felt something warm flare to life against his chest. Surprised, he tugged on the chain around his neck. Hiei's teargem, still so beautiful, hung suspended, glowing softly with an inner light.  
  
Entranced, the youko peered into its depths. There was a flash of light, and he suddenly found himself inundated with a flood of memories and images. Hiei's memories. His pain, his tears…his *love*; they overwhelmed the kitsune, entering his psyche and destroying the unconscious block Kurama's subconscious had placed there to keep him sane. They merged with Kurama's own recollections, locking themselves away in that part of him that would *never* forget.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Endless rain Fall on my heart this wounded heart  
  
Let me forget all of the hate, all of the sadness  
  
~~~~~~  
  
It was raining again, but somehow, this time it didn't hurt as much. The sound was a soothing balm that seemed to be an echo of Hiei's last gift; a message.  
  
"Matte kure."  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Endless rain  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Hiei would be back; like the rain, their souls were bound in a cycle. Hiei would be back, someday. And Kurama would be waiting.  
  
~Owari~  
  
****  
  
Notes: ::sighs:: I chickened out again. I can't help it - I just can't seem to be able to write just angst! 


End file.
